


the green sketchbook

by fauu_stine



Series: social media AUs [1]
Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bipolar Disorder, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Drinking, M/M, Making Up, Mental Health Issues, Pining, Sexual Tension, Social Media AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:28:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 108
Words: 15,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26288755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fauu_stine/pseuds/fauu_stine
Summary: Isak thinks his whole life is a huge joke. Seriously, what were the odds that Magnus' new crush is the same guy he fell in love with a year ago and who left him with nothing but a broken heart and a green sketchbook?OR: a lovers to enemies to friends to lovers social media AU, I guess
Relationships: Eva Kviig Mohn/Jonas Noah Vasquez, Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen, Mikael Øverlie Boukhal/Adam Malik
Series: social media AUs [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1919482
Comments: 110
Kudos: 567





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For the few people who might know me from Twitter, you probably already know the story. For everyone else, this is the first social media AU I've ever written, posted on my Twitter account in Autumn 2019 and I've decided to publish it (as well as a few others AUs, it's coming soon) on ao3 to keep it safe.
> 
> For the record, my social media AUs are basically lots of groupchats conversations, some Instagram/Twitter content, and of course a bunch of written parts. This one is completed but be patient with me, since ao3 doesn't allow me to upload pictures directly from my computer, it's a bit of a handy work to get everything in order. I will try my best to make it quick though! And I think it's gonna be pretty similar to the Twitter experience: I should be able to update a few times every day.
> 
> And of course, even if it's written already, I would absolutely love it if you shared your thoughts on this story while I'm struggling with ao3. Hope you enjoy it <333


	2. Chapter 2




	3. Chapter 3




	4. Chapter 4




	5. Chapter 5




	6. Chapter 6




	7. Chapter 7




	8. Chapter 8




	9. Chapter 9




	10. Chapter 10

As expected, Isak ends up in a bar with an overexcited Magnus, a relaxed Jonas and a vaguely amused Mahdi. They just arrived and Isak is already questioning his decision of coming instead of staying home. 

Contrary to what Eskild or the boys may think, he hasn't become completely antisocial. Of course he still loves spending time with his friends, especially when they meet in a bar instead of an overcrowded party where they can barely communicate without having to scream or being interrupted by drunk strangers. But he has to admit that the prospect of having to act friendly with a stranger, even if it's to indulge Magnus, doesn't please him one bit. 

_ (Of course it has nothing to do with the fact that it's been around a year since he went to a stupid party thinking he was going to have fun and instead signed up to get his heart broken. Really, nothing to do with that.) _

The thing is, he already has good friends. He doesn't need new ones and he doesn't see the point of this night. It's exhausting and it's a waste of time.

"Guys! I can't wait! As the great Barney Stinson would say, it's going to be legen-wait for it-dary!" Magnus starts shouting, gesturing in every directions like a child but making them laugh eventually against their best judgment.

"Mags, this reference is getting really old," Jonas laughs. 

His remark seems to offend Magnus to the highest degree. "What? It's a classic! It's timeless!"

"Friends is a classic. How I Met Your Mother is a fraud."

"I have to support Jonas on this one, bro. Nothing can compete with Friends," Mahdi states with a convinced nod.

"What?! You know what... Isak! You have to back me up on this one," Magnus decides, his hands on his hips, astonishedly serious. Isak hadn't realized it was a state affair.

"Hm... Honestly, I have no idea. I'm more of a The Big Bang Theory fan."

"Ugh, of course," Jonas mumbles.

"Nerd," Mahdi adds.

"Isak! This tv show is horribly sexist!" Magnus exclaims then.

"What?" Isak replies, frowning. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Jonas shaking his head in approval. Again, what? "It's not sexist, it's second degree! It's deliberately cliché! "

"Vilde sent me a link the other day talking about it, wait, I'll find it. That explained it very well," Magnus keeps going, taking his cell phone out of his pocket. Now Isak hates himself for not having decided in favor of the majority, just to have peace.

Somehow, even broken up for a little over a year, Magnus still talks about Vilde as often as before (when he isn't talking about his new best friend, of course). These two would remain forever a mystery for Isak. At the beginning of their last year of high school, one day like another, Magnus and Vilde announced in the same Instagram post on Vilde's account that:

  1. They were breaking up
  2. Vilde was lesbian
  3. Magnus was bisexual



At the same time, it became the most iconic break-up and coming out of Nissen (and probably Oslo, or even Norway).

Isak had been happy for them. He was glad that they broke up on good terms and that it was an opportunity for them to be true to themselves. After everything Magnus and Vilde had done for him the year before, helping him to reconnect with his mother, it was the least he could do - being happy for them. Secretly, however, the selfish part of him envied them for being able to decide and for dealing with their coming-out in such a relaxed way - no drama involved. Unfortunately, he didn't exactly get that chance himself…

"Mags, aren't you supposed to pay for the first round?" Mahdi reminds him all of sudden - bless him.

"Ugh, yeah, sure. I'll be right back," Magnus says before getting up and heading to the bar.

Jonas and Mahdi go on with their discussion on the merits of Friends so Isak takes out his phone, a bad reflex when he's bored. He really needs a beer to cheer himself up. He is on the verge of starting a game of Candy Crush while waiting for Magnus to come back when Jonas stands up, "I think it's him."

Isak sighs and puts away his phone. It's time for him to put in an effort and be friendly with the newcomer. After all, he's not responsible for his bad mood.

_ Or is he? _

It's like watching a disaster in slow motion. Isak looks up, first sees Magnus coming back with a tray of beers in his hands in precarious balance. Then just behind him, a tall silhouette slowly stands out. 

Isak would swear his heart stops beating the second his gaze meets the pair of too familiar ocean eyes.

_ You? _

All things considered, perhaps his heart didn't stop beating. Maybe he's purely and simply breaking all over again. At least, it feels like it.

_ It's fucking you. _


	11. Chapter 11




	12. Chapter 12

Even is nervous as he arrives at the bar where he's supposed to meet up with Magnus and his friends. All day long he has been in a good mood and eager to finally be there but now that it's really happening, he's starting to realize he may not have given enough thought to this meeting. Or perhaps, not the _right_ thoughts. Life is not a movie and tonight may be one of those times when he should have remembered it. It's too late to backtrack though, and he refuses to disappoint Magnus so he steps into the bar and puts his confident act on.

The thing is, meeting Magnus has been a surprise in many ways. Because of the circumstances and the way it happened, of course - it was so absurd, like coming straight out of a movie, and Even loved it. But above all, because of _who_ he was friends with. It wasn't planned and with hindsight, it took him far too long to connect the dots. But honestly, what were the odds?

Even spent months at Nissen watching the blond-haired boy with the snapback and the Cupid's bow lips, yet he never paid much attention to the friends who hung out with him. That's why when he first met Magnus, he sincerely didn't recognize him. He felt like Magnus's face was familiar to him, but after meeting him again a few days later, he learnt that they both were ex-Nissen students, so Even figured that was it and he stopped thinking about it.

At least until one afternoon Even joined Magnus at the library. His friend had spent the previous days panicking over a Statistics paper he was struggling with and Even wanted to check on him and support him as best as he could. Except Magnus was smiling when he took a seat next to him.

"So you managed to do your paper?"

"One of my best friends helped me!" Magnus exclaimed happily.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yes, he's a freaking genius! Don't tell him I told you that though, the praise would go to his head. But it's so unfair you know! Because he's supposed to be good at physics and that kind of stuff, but yesterday he managed to explain to me a statistical theorem that I had been blocking on for a whole month! He took a look at my paper for three seconds, and just like that, he understood everything. And the worst part is, you know what he told me? He told me _it's just math, Magnus_. Exactly, it's mathematics! What are maths doing in Economics anyway?"

This monologue was enough for Even to finally get it. And if not, the pictures he found on Magnus' instagram reduce his last doubts to nothing. He knew Magnus' genius friend. He knew him so well that the boy hadn't left his thoughts for a year.

Shortly after this realization, Magnus proposed to Even to meet his high school friends and Even knew _he_ would be there. _He_ had to. All the signs had led him to cross his path again. He was expecting it. That was the reason he had been in such a good mood all day long.

And yet, Even wasn't ready for the shock and the guilt that overwhelmed him as he met the emerald eyes of the boy he's cowardly abandoned a year ago.

_Isak._

Even barely registers Magnus making the presentations. He smiles instinctively, shakes hands but his eyes doesn't leave Isak's face for a second, who stares back at him, mouth ajar and wide eyes. He can't help but notice how little he has changed, at the exception maybe that he looks even more beautiful than he remembered - his memories hardly do him justice. And he still has the same effect on him: Even’s heart is pounding in his chest, his hands are sweaty and his breath is running short, as if he's been hit in the stomach and all the air from his lungs has been expelled - and maybe it's the case, in a way.

"And finally, this is Isak," Magnus says next to him.

Nervous, Even turns to Isak, who's now avoiding his gaze. He takes a deep breath and holds out a trembling hand to him. For a moment, he expects Isak to ignore him, and Even wouldn't blame him for it - he deserves it. But Isak probably has no desire to make a scene in front of his friends so he plays pretend, shaking his hand in a hurry before moving back, all without a single eye contact.

Even would have thought that being able to touch Isak after all this time would be an overwhelming experience, but in reality it was so fast and impersonal compared to what they had shared in the past that he's almost doubting it just happened.

Now, he can't even remember why he had been in such a good mood. Of course he was excited to see Isak again, but the truth is, he is acting selfish and stupid. Deep down he knows very well that Isak has no reason to be happy to see him. In fact, he had every reason to hate him after what Even had done to him.

"Even! Buddy! You must support me on this one!" Magnus calls as they sit down at the table. His friend gives him a beer and takes a sip of his own before adding, "Friends or How I Met Your Mother?"

He barely considers the question and answers, "Friends, of course. A classic."

"What a surprise, you're just snobby hipsters!" Magnus whines then.

After that, Magnus, Jonas and Mahdi engage in a heated debate. He notices how Isak barely contributes to the conversation, staring at his own drink to avoid Even's gaze, but fortunately, the others don't notice any of it. They don't know what Isak and him shared, what Even ruined, because that's what he does, isn't it? He makes a mess out of everything and then hopes he can fix things like nothing happened. But maybe this time he went too far. Maybe this time, he ruined the best thing that ever happened to him and there is no fixing possible.

By the way Isak won't even look at him, it may be the truth.


	13. Chapter 13




	14. Chapter 14




	15. Chapter 15




	16. Chapter 16




	17. Chapter 17

Isak rereads Even's first message and feels anger rising inside him. Part of him - the naive part of him - can't help but feel happy, but he also knows he shouldn't be. The proof: after all this time, the first thing Even does is sending him one of his cryptic poems. Isak doesn't know what he's trying to tell him or what he wants, and thinking about it, maybe that's exactly what Even is looking for. Again and again, he's playing him and fucking with his head. 

Except this time he decided he wouldn't let him.

_ No. _

_ Fuck you. _

Isak takes a deep breath, shaking his trembling hands to calm down. Then he leaves his bed and walks to his desk. He opens the first drawer and takes out a book with extreme care - after all, it was never just any book. That morning, a year ago, Isak woke up alone in his bed, just him and his broken heart and-

And  _ this _ .

The reason he has such a hard time moving on isn't because he is deeply hurt or because he is stupid and naive or because he keeps idealizing a two weeks long fling (although, truth to be told, each of these explanations are more than a little bit true as well). The reason is what he found on the pillow next to him when he woke up.

A green sketchbook.

_ Even _ 's green sketchbook.

And Even didn't forget it, Isak's always been sure of it. It had been placed on his pillow, with a pencil on a specific page where a message was waiting for Isak. And this is the real reason why he is still holding on this boy. Because in a way, even if Even's disappeared, he had left his most precious possession behind him. 

It had to mean something.

Isak had to mean something - to him. 

That's what he kept repeating himself, but is it really true? Even carried on with his life. The only reason he finally wants to explain himself is because they are going to have to see each other now that they have a common friend. And Isak can't accept it. 

It doesn't feel fair.


	18. Chapter 18




	19. Chapter 19




	20. Chapter 20

If it were up to Isak, he would have spent the whole day in bed ignoring the rest of the world, and in particular Magnus' annoying messages. But from his bedroom he can hear his roommates getting busy in the kitchen preparing their weekly brunch, a tradition Eskild has insisted on ever since Noora moved in with Eva and Chris. He wanted to make sure she would come back to see them - as if Noora would forget about them. Isak would never admit it out loud and certainly not to Eskild himself, but if he had to leave one day, he would miss them too much to stay away for too long.

And secretly, Isak loves this brunch tradition. It was an opportunity to get all together, like a family would. Isak has a complicated relationship with his own family, although by now he visits his mother very often and almost always pick up his father's calls - he has come a long way, okay? But Eskild, Linn and Noora were definitely his second family and he doesn't know what he would have become without them. Nothing joyful though, that's for sure.

And today, more than ever, he needs to spend time with them.

He still hasn't recovered from last night and his unfortunate encounter with Magnus' friend... Who was none other than the guy who broke his heart a year ago by making him a thousand promises, making him feel important and loved, before disappearing without ever contacting him again. Isak wants to be able to say that after all this time he's moved on but it would be a lie.

He is still hung up on him and he hates himself for it. He hates the flicker of hope that bloomed inside his chest when he met the young man’s ocean eyes. He hates the small shiver that run through his body when he shook hands with him. He hates that he still feels so much for him.

_ Even _ .

It isn't fair. All he wants is to move on and forget all about him once and for all. 

But he can't, right? And now Even is friend with Magnus and Isak doesn't know what to do or what to say. What if Even is doing the same thing to Magnus than he did to him a year ago? Should he say something to Magnus? 

His thoughts are interrupted by Eskild's unwanted intrusion into his room. By reflex, Isak tries to hide under his duvet but his roommate throws himself on his bed - and on him -, calling his name as if he wasn't just there  _ under  _ his weight.

"Isaaaaaak! You didn't answer my messages!"

For fucks sake.

"Eskild! I can't breathe!"

Eskild moves slightly, so he's no longer crushing him but he stays close enough to keep an arm around him, almost like a hug. Isak is used to run away from all Eskild's gestures of affection but this morning, it almost felt comforting. Another thing he would never say out loud, of course.

"What's going on baby jesus? Are you okay?" Eskild asks then, stroking his back gently.

Isak shrugs and tries to pull away, but not too harshly, and mumbles, "It's silly, don't worry."

But it's too late, he can read Eskild's concern all over his face and this man isn't one to give up so easily. That's why his roommate stands up in front of him, staring at him with a piercing look, patiently waiting for Isak to speak. Isak sighs in defeat.

“Okay, maybe we can talk about it after brunch? I just want to relax for now."

Eskild nods, satisfied, and leaves his room.


	21. Chapter 21




	22. Chapter 22

After a copious but delicious brunch, Isak ends up watching an incredibly predictable and dumb TV movie, sharing a plaid with Linn, while Noora and Eskild are doing the dishes in the kitchen.

"She's gonna realize that her childhood sweetheart is the true love of her life and she's going to dump her rich fiancé," Linn comments, fifteen minutes into the movie.

"Obviously. And the fiancé will end up with the clumsy receptionist from the beginning," Isak adds.

"Hm... Do you think so?"

"I bet you 50 kroner it'll end like this."

"Deal," Linn replies, offering a hand that Isak shakes with a smug face. He's right, he's sure of it.

They watch an extra five minutes of movie before Eskild bursts into the living room, Noora not far behind him. Isak tries to avoid his gaze but his annoying roommate moves in front of him, hands on his hips, a determined expression on his face. Isak sighs loudly for good measure but Eskild is anything but impressed. He raises his right eyebrow and waves him to stand up.

"Come on! You have things to tell me," he presses him.

"I can't. Linn and I bet on who the fiancé was going to end up with. That's very important," Isak argues, leaning on the side to see the TV screen hidden behind Eskild's body. He can hear Noora laughing next to him but he doesn't care. It's important.

The older one turns towards the television. "I've seen it before. The fiancé ends up with the waitress."

"What?" Isak exclaims. He doesn't care if he looks ridiculous and way too invested in a stupid afternoon TV movie. He has a bet and he has to win!

"It's the redhead waitress. After the fiancé gets dumped, he goes to the restaurant for lunch, looking all sad. The waitress serves him a cup of coffee and when he looks up at her, poof, love at first sight," Eskild sums it up.

"I'm expecting my 50 kroner by the end of the day," Linn says without even looking at him, a self-satisfied smirk on her lips, and Isak grumbles in discontent. Even those supposedly predictable movies are playing tricks on him now!

"Fine, whatever," he mutters before getting up from the couch. Noora takes his spot in the second.

"Have fun!" She teases him, the traitress.

Eskild smiles, proud of his effect, as they walk to the kitchen where they can talk in peace. 

"Tell me everything," Eskild invites him as he sits at the kitchen table, looking way too satisfied for Isak's taste. He rolls his eyes to keep his composure, but joins him anyway.

The problem isn't that Isak doesn't want to talk to Eskild. The thing is, he's used to cherishing his memories, for himself, just for himself. Jonas knows some things, but only because Isak swore to him he would never lie to him again. And besides, he told him a year ago and then they never really talked about it again - at Isak's request. So to talk about it now, after seeing Even again (which he never thought would happen), is a little much. The second he talks about _him_ out loud, everything becomes real again and he doesn't know if he's ready for it.

However, Eskild is safe. He saved him over and over again. He doesn't judge. And contrary to the appearances, he's a very good listener.

So...

"Do you..." Isak takes a deep breath, biting nervously at his lower lip. "Remember, like, a year ago, you came home from a party one morning and ran into a guy who was leaving the apartment?"

Eskild frowns, visibly perplexed.

I was still sleeping but you told me you met him in the bathroom. He told you he was with me and then he left. Do you remember?"

This time Eskild nods, "Oh yes, the mysterious hot guy from the bathroom! Sure! I always wondered who he was for you, but since you refused to talk about him and I never saw him again, I assumed he was supposed to be a one-night stand. What a waste!"

A two weeks long one-night stand, then. And not that Isak had ever wanted him to be just that.

"It's about him?" Eskild asks kindly, _carefully_ , guessing it isn't a very fun story.

So Isak tells him everything: how he met him at a party and for the first time, he felt connected to someone - really connected. How they spent the whole night together talking and sharing confidences in the most natural way. How they saw each other the next day, and the next day, and the next… How they explored Oslo on their bikes, went on coffee dates, watched movies together, crashed parties and made out in dark corners for hours. How the last night they spent together, they broke into a house to use a basement swimming-pool and when they got back at Isak's place, they locked themselves in his room and made love all night, only for Isak to wake up alone a few hours later. 

Even never came back, even though Isak remembers him swearing he would never leave him.

"I had no idea," are Eskild's first words, once Isak is done. "This is... Wow."

They both remain silent for a while before Isak finds himself smiling and then he laughs. Out of nowhere. Eskild looks up at him with surprised eyes.

"I'm just- It's crazy, right? What the fuck?"

Eskild chuckles as well. "And I thought you had a terribly boring romantic life!"

"I wish."

They exchange a look and smile.

"But..." Eskild says. "You saw him yesterday, so you spoke to each other? Did he explain himself?"

Isak shakes his head. "No, not in front of the boys. They don't even know what happened. I left before I could risk being alone with him. I'm not sure I was ready to hear it, I... It's been so long, does it even matter?"

He leaves aside Even's cryptic message from last night because to be honest, it's so absurd that he doesn't even know if it was real.

"Well, it matters to you, obviously. You have the right to feel like putting a real end to this story, even if it's been a long time. He still lied to you and he hurt you. He owes you that much."

"Does he?"

Eskild shrugs his shoulders. "He's not going to act like nothing happened when he's friends with Magnus, is he?"

Isak laughs but with no humor this time. "I have no idea."

Silence falls again. Isak can hear the voices of Noora and Linn, and the sound of television from the living room. Droplets of water falls rhythmically from the tap into the bottom of the sink. 

He sighs and says, "I guess I'll see what happens."

Eskild nods slowly, "do that. But when you're ready, don't hesitate to ask for explanations. He had no excuse for treating you like he did. You deserve better."

_You deserve better._

Honestly, he didn't know that's something he needed to hear but… It is.

"Thank you, Eskild," Isak whispers, a tiny smile on his lips, the kind filled with so much affection he usually keeps for his mother.

Or for a family member - like a brother.

"Anything for you, you know that," he replies, leaning to squeeze his hand gently. “And anytime.”

_Anytime._


	23. Chapter 23




	24. Chapter 24




	25. Chapter 25

_**Flashback** _

Curiously, the aspect that Even hates the most about seeing a therapist isn't the session itself or the emotional exhaustion that follows. No, this is the wait preceding the appointment. This is sitting in an austere waiting room with other uncomfortable patients and their shifty glances and a too smiling secretary for her to be sincere - so much so that it looks more like pity. Even hates pity; he doesn't need it and doesn't want it.

Fortunately, he likes his therapist, a man of about twenty years of experience with the kind of cynical humor Even likes and weird but entertaining anecdotes. Plus, Even's felt stable for a few months so his appointments are no longer a chore or a real source of anxiety. Now it's just a reassurance that he's fine and an opportunity to share some dark thoughts or old memories that he would rather not share with his family or his close friends. 

The waiting room though... It remains irrevocably a torture.

Until the day a funny boy approaches him right before his session and starts flirting with him.

"Do you come here often?" Is the first thing the stranger asks him.

Even looks up and towards a young man sitting on his right, two seats away from him. He must be around his age, he has a slightly square jaw, blond hair with a few strands falling on his forehead and clear eyes. But most of all, he has the biggest smile. And the thing is, the smile _and_ the flirting pick-up line are extremely surprising, considering where they are.

"Hm, do I come often to the therapist?" Even says, arching an eyebrow at him.

"I mean," the young man adds resolutely, "are you lost? Because heaven is a long way from here."

"Oh my God."

"You're right! Somebody better call God, because he's missing an angel!" The smiling stranger keeps talking and Even bursts out laughing. What's happening? He can't believe it, it has to be a joke. "Hey," he says then, leaning towards Even, "if you don't mind, can I get your picture? I need to prove to all my friends that angels really do exist."

"I can't believe it," Even laughs. He feels like wiping away actual tears. "Are you seriously hitting on me in a shrink's waiting room?"

"Well, yes," the young man nods, still smiling, unruffled. "You know... go big or go home."

Now Even can't stop laughing. It's the most unlikely thing that ever happened to him!

"You have a great smile," the stranger compliments him.

"Thank you," Even says, beaming, "you have a great smile too. And you are very funny. Thank you, you managed to distract me and I didn't think it was possible considering... where we are."

"Anytime," the guy replies with a wink. "I'm Magnus."

"Even."

Magnus gets up from his chair to shake his hand before sitting down next to him.

"Shit, am I supposed to shake hands with the guy I'm trying to flirt with?"

"No idea, honestly," Even laughs again.

"Well, anyway, I made you laugh. It's a good thing, right? My friends always tell me that I look desperate and that's why I never get to hook up. But I'm chill, isn't it? "

"Yeah, you're pretty chill."

"And funny!"

"Funny, too."

Magnus nods, satisfied..

"But ... Is it working?"

"What?"

"Hitting on you."

Maybe in another life, at some other time, it would have worked. But in this life, at that moment, it's simply unthinkable - coming from Magnus as coming from any other person, really.

Because there is a boy with blond curls and Cupid's bow lips who never completely left his mind and he really doesn't want to stop thinking about him. It's been almost a year and maybe it's stupid and vain but Even doesn't care. He doesn't want anyone - except him, even if it means holding on to the fuzzy and confused memories of the few perfect days and nights he spent with him, even if it means being alone right now, feeling guilty, and pining after someone he will never see again other than in his dreams.

Even really doesn't care. He's changed; he became stronger and more independent. He can live his life and be happy without dating anyone. He still has love in his life- the love of his family, the love of his friends.

And it's enough... For now.

"I hope you won't take it as a bad excuse because it's honestly the truth but... I have someone on my mind and I don't think it's going to change any time soon. And honestly, I don't want it to change. So I prefer to tell you. I don’t want to lead on you," Even explains, hoping not to hurt the young man's feelings. He's kind and funny and he likes him, even if it isn't the way he wants him to.

"It's okay, thanks for being honest," Magnus shrugs with a smile. "It's just that it's been a few times I've seen you here and I thought it would be silly not to try."

Even isn't interested but he's impressed. This guy isn't one to get cold feet.

"It's a good state of mind. I'm sure someday it's going to bring you some very good things," Even says because he really means it and he really wants Magnus to stay true to himself and keep taking risks with other people.

"I hope so."

"And it was pretty brave considering the circumstances."

"I like atypical."

"Seems accurate."

"And I'm a pretty atypical guy."

Even laughs. "I can see that."

They exchange a knowing glance and then burst out laughing like two old friends would. It's strange but pleasant how comfortable they are with each other and how easily they can joke together, while still sitting in a therapist's waiting room, two minutes after Magnus tried to flirt with embarrassing pick-up lines and even if Even kindly rejected him.

Sometimes life is full of surprises - good surprises. Even likes that and especially this one. It's going to change his vision of waiting rooms forever, it's a certainty.

"Do you like Doctor Hagen?" Magnus asks after they calmed down.

"Hm... Yes. He's cool, I guess," Even replies, a little surprised by the change of subject.

"My mother likes him a lot. She's been consulting with him for years... maybe as long as I can remember."

"Oh, you're accompanying with your mother?"

"Yes! She's bipolar," he explains nonchalantly - like it's the most normal thing to say to someone you barely met. He looks at Even, smiles, and adds, "It's a mental illness where-"

"I know," Even cuts him gently. "I... I have the same thing."

Magnus nods. There is no pity or rejection in his eyes. He seems unaffected by his confession. And it's... Nice. Nobody had ever reacted so naturally and with so much detachment to him talking about his illness.

Of course, if his mother is bipolar too, it makes sense. He knows and is used to it.

But still.

"It seems that Doctor Hagen is an expert in the field. The best," Magnus comments, smiling at him.

Even doesn't have time to answer, and honestly, maybe it's a good thing because he has no idea what he can answer to that. But then, a woman - Magnus' mother - enters the room. She has the same warm smile than her son and soothing blue eyes. She smiles politely at Even while waiting for Magnus.

"So uh... Is it out of place and weird if I ask you for your number? You're pretty cool, we won't date but we could be friends!" Magnus offers.

"Of course."

They exchange numbers and what started with a surreal flirting-discussion before his session at the therapist quickly turned into a true friendship. And in the months following their meeting, Magnus did more than change his opinion on waiting rooms…

He just doesn't know it yet.


	26. Chapter 26




	27. Chapter 27




	28. Chapter 28




	29. Chapter 29




	30. Chapter 30

They have been sitting inside their usual study date coffee shop for a hour now and they still haven't touched their respective books. Instead of studying, they silently agreed to sip their coffee and catch up in peace. To be honest, their study dates have long since turned into friendly dates but Sana still liked to pretend so Isak lets her. And maybe it also became another inside joke between them, or a reminder of how their friendship started back in high school. Sana got into med school, Isak is studying physics, so they no longer have any common projects to fight over together. But just because they are no longer biology buddies doesn't mean they are no longer best buddies.

And Isak wouldn't have it any other way.

On the wooden counter, Sana's phone lights up. He doesn't mean to look but his eyes are drawn to it and he sees a name on the screen: Yousef's. He turns his attention to her, doesn't try to read the message - it's none of his business - and he cannot help but smile when he sees the effect that a simple message has on her. Sana blushes slightly and tries to hold back a grin. She doesn't even notice that Isak is watching her. She reads the message and then starts stirring her little spoon pensively in what is left of her cooled coffee. 

"How's Yousef?" Isak asks then, to tempted to tease her. But just a bit.

On his words, she jumps back to reality, and then hurries to turn her phone around to hide the screen.

"So?"

She scoffs at him as if he's being ridiculous. "He's fine. Why would you even ask?"

"You're just as bad a liar as I am, Sanasol."

She gives him a death stare that he's used to by now. "You're wrong. No one can be as shit as you are."

"Okay, whatever you say. But I'm glad things are good between you two. I know it wasn't easy for a long time," he says, because he cares about her happiness and he can see how good she's been doing these past weeks, most likely because of her not-so-secret lover.

Sana looks at him from the corner of her eye, but this time it's gentle. "Thank you," she speaks softly, almost carefully. "It's doing great."

"That's chill. Want a refill?" He asks, jumping from his sit.

"Sure. But just tea this time. Thanks."

Isak walks to the counter and orders. While he waits, he lets his gaze travel through the room and stops once again on Sana, who's taking back her cell phone and typing an answer, a soft smile on her lips. He really likes to see her like that. Satisfied. Probably in love.

He wonders what it feels like, to love someone and to be loved in return. To trust someone and to know that you are right to, because they will never break that trust. What an incredible feeling that must be.

A couple of minutes later, the barista is done with his order and he goes back to sit next to Sana. In the meantime, she finally opened a book and started taking notes. She thanks him again for the tea and then goes back to her book. Isak tries to imitate him, because he has work to do too, but he can't concentrate. He can't help but think about last Friday night, about seeing Even again for the first time in a year. He wishes he could forget, not care, but he can't. Part of him still hopes and he is incapable of fighting against it, of silencing it for good. It's the same hopeful part of him that's been hanging on to this stupid green sketchbook for a year and the memories that are linked to it.

"Want to fail, Isabell?" Sana interrupts his self-loathing. Isak blinks at her, speechless for a few seconds too long, and she smirks at him. "What's going on with you?"

He meets her eyes and he can see that she cares genuinely about him, so he decides not to lie to her. Or not really.

"Yousef hurt you, right? Back in high school?"

She frowns and he realizes that his approach might be too brutal. "Sorry. What I meant to ask is… What if you like someone and you think you two share something special. But then he hurts you, betrays your trust. The reasonable thing to do is to forget him, right? But it's not easy. It doesn't work that way. And later, he comes back, wants to explain himself. What would you do? Would you tell him to fuck off?"

Sana rolls his eyes at him, which- okay, that's fair, and takes a sip of her tea, dragging the moment like she loves to. "So clearly it's about you, not me, meaning each situation is different. But if you want my own experience with Yousef then… When it comes to the heart, there is no reasonable thing to do. You can try but I'm sure you know that's not how it works in the end. I don't regret giving Yousef a second chance: I knew his heart and I knew he didn't mean to hurt me. And we both made mistakes, so I had to give  _ us  _ another chance. But of course, it's not always worth it. Sometimes it's better for you to let it go, to keep your heart safe."

"Okay," Isak nods, lets her words slowly sink in. "But what if you were no longer sure you knew Yousef and if his intentions were sincere? Good?"

"I… I don't know. I would talk to him, see if he seems genuine and try to trust my guts. Most of the time you can tell if people are lying to you."

"And what if you can't tell if he's lying or not? 

Sana looks at him for a long time then. She seems thoughtful, hesitant, which Isak rarely witnesses in her. It may even be the first time he sees it. "I guess it's up to you to decide whether or not you want to trust him again and give it another try," she says finally. "Like I said, it's not always worth it. Sometimes it's better to move on. But only you can make that decision because only you can feel it."

"Only you can feel what you feel", he whispers, not meaning to say it out loud but he's barely thinking straight at this point. He doesn't know what he's feeling, much less what Even is feeling. And the thing is, he could ask, he could accept to talk with him and maybe he would feel the truth in his guts, like Sana said. But he's been fooled once, he doesn't know if he can trust his own feelings anymore. 

So maybe it isn't worth the risk, right? 

Sometimes, it's better to just move on.


	31. Chapter 31




	32. Chapter 32

_**Unsent messages** _


	33. Chapter 33




	34. Chapter 34




	35. Chapter 35




	36. Chapter 36




	37. Chapter 37




	38. Chapter 38




	39. Chapter 39




	40. Chapter 40




	41. Chapter 41




	42. Chapter 42




	43. Chapter 43




	44. Chapter 44




	45. Chapter 45




	46. Chapter 46




	47. Chapter 47




	48. Chapter 48




	49. Chapter 49




	50. Chapter 50




	51. Chapter 51




	52. Chapter 52

Isak doesn't know why he keeps doing it-- avoiding a real conversation with Even and being mean on purpose. He knows it isn't going to solve anything, he's the one making everything worth and for what? He's miserable. Even seems miserable. And if he keeps acting this way, soon he may hurt some of his friends with his petty behaviour. Honestly, he knows he's being unfair, Even is right, but he can't stop himself.

The thing is, this past year, he wasn't exactly angry. He felt hurt, confused, sad, betrayed, even slightly hopeful. But not angry. Seeing Even again, though, changed everything. Because for the first time, he was faced with the possibility that maybe Even didn't fool him. Magnus loves him, most of his friends seem to like him as well… So maybe he is just the way Isak saw him back then: kind, funny and honest. Maybe he is a good person. Which meant one thing: Even didn't leave because that's all he was planning to do from the beginning; he left because of Isak. Because Isak wasn't good enough. Because Isak wasn't worth it.

And this reality hurts more than anything else. It hurts so much than all of sudden, Isak is left with nothing but anger. And of course, Even is the easy target. It's easier to be mad at him than to be mad at himself for being naive enough to believe he could be good enough for someone as special as Even. He should have known better.

So now here he is, spilling his misery in the form of meanness on the only person who's patient enough to answer him every time, no matter what terrible things he's throwing at them. He can't believe Even is still waiting for him, still persisting despite it all. Isak has so many mixed feelings for him but he can feel how the walls he's built around his heart are starting to crack. And the real truth is, if Even doesn't give up, if Even finds a way to explain, Isak knows he will forgive him. He's craving affection and love so much he couldn't help himself.

And that's why he can't hear Even out. He can't let himself hope again when it's obvious this is a lost cause. Even is bright, generous and everything Isak is not. They aren't meant to be and he needs to accept it. He needs to move on.


	53. Chapter 53




	54. Chapter 54




	55. Chapter 55




	56. Chapter 56




	57. Chapter 57




	58. Chapter 58




	59. Chapter 59




	60. Chapter 60




	61. Chapter 61

Isak is having fun. 

Contrary to his expectations, he's actually having fun. Of course, this is certainly due to the amount of shots he drank with Eva and Chris or the weed he smoked with Mahdi, Magnus and Jonas in the bathroom against Vilde's opinion, but who cares? He's feeling great. He's with his best friends and feels relaxed for the first time in weeks. That's what they all wanted for him and that's how he feels now.

And knowing that he's half dancing half stagging in the middle of the living room with Eva, the both of them singing Beyoncé's Crazy In Love at the top of their lungs, you can bet he'll blame it on him being drunk and high as fuck. How does he know all the lyrics? Stop asking questions, for fuck's sake! 

"Jonas!" He yells when he sees his best friend joining them, a beer between his hands that Isak manages to steal the second Eva throws herself into her boyfriend's arms.

"Isak, no! Go get your own beer!" He complains but Isak is quick to drink what's left of the beer. "Dude, you're going to be so hungover tomorrow."

"Shhhhhh!" 

Eva laughs at that and Jonas makes a disapproving frown. "Eva, your boyfriend is boring. Let's take another shot!" Isak suggests and Eva nods eagerly. 

"You two drunk together is the worst thing I've ever witnessed," Jonas mutters but shrugs in resignation, letting them both head for the coffee table where a few colorful shots are waiting for them. They each grab a small drink, cross their arms together and then swallow the contents straight in perfect synchronization. At this point, Isak can no longer feel the liquid burning his throat. Good.

"Oh! Finally!" He hears Magnus scream and he stumbles trying to see where his friend is. 

Isak is having a great time. But it's about to end.

Because at the flat's front door, here is standing Even, all long legs, perfectly combed hair and blinding smile, looking hotter than ever.

Honestly, fuck his life.


	62. Chapter 62




	63. Chapter 63

"Isak, you need to breathe," Jonas calls after him as Isak is rushing into the kitchen. Sana just called him out in the girls' groupchat and he's holding his phone so tight in his hands in anger that he's probably very close to breaking the screen. He feels like throwing it away but he has just enough common sense to realize that breaking his phone is the last thing he needs tonight. Both Sana and Jonas are right: he needs to drop the drama queen/child/whatever he's doing right now act. But he's drunk and emotional so it's even harder than usual.

"Isak, please drink this," Jonas requests and Isak looks up. Jonas is handing him a glass of water that he accepts reluctantly and pretends to take sip of it.

"What the fuck is going on here?" Someone else asks behind them- Mahdi, who just joined them in the kitchen. Jonas sighs at this before answering, "I will fill you in later. But basically Isak is having a mental breakdown over Even."

Isak doesn't dare to take a look at Mahdi but he can feel his confusion in his next words, "euh… Okay? Should we ask him to leave or…?" You know what? Mahdi's always been his favorite.

"No. Isak is just overreacting," Jonas shakes his head. Yup. Mahdi always has his back contrary to his traitor of a best friend.

"I'm not!" Isak exclaims and almost breaks the glass against the kitchen table. Honestly, he only wanted to put it on the said table in a more or less dramatic gesture, but in his drunk state, he kind of miscalculated the distance and his own strength.

"Fucking hell, Isak!" Jonas is starting to get mad at him and it forces Isak to calm down a bit. He can't remember the last time it happened and he doesn't really want tonight to be the night his best friend gets sick of him for good.

"Sorry," he whispers.

"Just sit and chill, bro, okay?" Mahdi intervenes and pushes him gently towards one of the kitchen chairs. He complies without protest. "I don't want to upset you even more but I thought you were done with the whole 'not talking about your feelings, getting wasted instead and make a public scene'," he adds tentatively. Well, he thought so too to be honest. Last time he did it, he outed himself to the whole school at some party. That's literally the reason why he stopped getting drunk and tries to avoid big parties at all costs. He can't believe after all this time he's pulling this shit again.

"Sorry," he repeats, not knowing what else to say.

"Isak, don't apologize," Jonas says, his voice gentle and patient again. "We are just worried about you. You can't go on like this, you need closure: you need to talk to him, even if it's scary and even if it hurts."

"I know. You're right."

And just as he utters these words, he hears someone clearing their throat. At once, all the boys look up at the kitchen entrance where Even just appeared. He looks hesitant, almost nervous, when he says, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you, I can leave. I just wanted to ask Isak if he would be willing to talk with me."

Isak remains speechless, panic slowly rising inside him. It's easy to play pretend behind a screen, to act like he's strong and indifferent. But in front of Even, he just wants to curl against him and cry. 

Great. Now he feels fucking pathetic.

"Well, the thing is," Jonas speaks for him, "Isak is quite drunk. I don't think this is a good idea."

"Oh, of course, yes. Sorry, I didn't know," Even agrees right away. And when he looks at Isak, he seems  _ worried  _ for him. Isak can't take it.

"No it's fine," Isak steps in as Even is about to leave the kitchen. "We can talk."

"Isak," Jonas sighs but Isak won't let him add anything more. It should be his decision and his only. "I said it's fine. I can behave."

Judging by both Jonas' and Mahdi's faces, they don't believe a single word of it. 

"I'm not sure this is…" Even starts to disagree as well.

"This is your fucking chance. Take it or leave it forever."

He stares at Even right in the eyes and suddenly he looks so sad, so defeated even though they haven't even started talking.

"Okay," he says eventually in a small voice. "Okay, Isak."


	64. Chapter 64




	65. Chapter 65

Jonas and Mahdi have left the kitchen and now Isak finds himself alone in a room with Even for the first time in a year, for the first time since he got his heart broken by this very man. He feels, to say the least, nervous. So nervous that he can't help but pour himself a glass of the first bottle of alcohol he can find. He drinks and it's disgusting - why is he drinking pure vodka? He's a moron.

"So what did you want to say to me?" Isak asks, with his back to Even because he can't face him, can't hold his gaze, can't see his ocean eyes staring back at him.

"I wanted to tell you why I disappeared a year ago, but it's not easy and I don't think it's the right time."

Isak takes another sip and holds back a grimace. This time, he can feel it burn both his throat and his stomach. 

"Isak," Even says, his voice way too soft, his body way too close to his. He can almost feel his breath on his neck. So Isak takes a step away from him. "Isak, could you at least look at me?!"

"For what?!" He retorts and turns around, and he didn't mean to raise his voice but here he is. Yelling at Even. Not behaving even though he said he would. He's a fucking failure.

Turning around was a huge mistake. Because now all he sees is how sad and yet stunning Even look, and it's all confusing. He doesn't know what he feels. He doesn't know why he keeps fighting. If he's honest with himself, at this point he's more angry with himself than with Even. He's pretty sure that when he looks at Even, what he feels isn't hatred: it's guilt, it's fear, and it's longing. But not hate.

Actually, if he knows one thing for sure, it's that he's never hated Even.

On this thought, he takes another sip of vodka. And again. This one feels worse than the others.

"Isak, I miss you," Even whispers all of sudden, taking Isak completely by surprise. He makes an aborted move towards Isak, stopping himself before touching him, as if for a moment he was craving it so much he almost couldn't help himself. Isak doesn't know what to make of this information, but it shouldn't make him feel this fluttered. "I miss you so much, fuck." This time the way Even says it sound so painful and he turns his eyes away from Isak for a second. Just a second though.

"Don't-" Isak starts but doesn't finish. His head is spinning. He's sweating.

"Sorry."

"Stop apologizing."

"Then tell me what to do, Isak. What can I do to make it better? Will you finally hear me out?"

"Please, don't. Wait."

"Wait? Wait for what?!"

"I don't feel well."

"What?"

Next thing Isak knows, he's leaning over the kitchen sink and throwing up.


	66. Chapter 66




	67. Chapter 67

_**Flashback** _

Isak regrets many things in his life but one of the most recurring regrets he has is to give in when his friends beg him to go out with them to crash some stranger's house party. Honestly, he's been here for a good two hours and he doesn't recognize anyone at all. It was Mahdi's idea at first, because his girlfriend pretended to know the girl who is organizing the party but he has serious doubts now. In any case, Mahdi has disappeared with her a long time ago, Magnus has found someone to flirt with - as improbable as it may sound - and Jonas has just abandoned him with a group of girls who don't seem to understand that he's gay and therefore not interested at all. In other words, he's stuck in hell.

He's trying to track Jonas down in the crowd, but it's a lost cause. Annoyed, his patience running out, he announces that he is going to get a beer and leaves before one of the girls can offer to accompany him. He doesn't care about being rude and pushing people on his way, he needs to get away from them at all costs. 

His escape ultimately leads him to the kitchen, fortunately much less crowded than the main room. He doesn't even go looking for a beer, he just exhales, relieved, and finds some peace leaning against the kitchen counter. This is the last time he lets himself succumb to peer pressure.

"Are you running away from someone? The police? A drug gang?" Someone speaks in the kitchen and it takes Isak a few seconds too long to realize the person is talking to  _ him _ .

"Wh-What?"

All of sudden, a guy materializes next to him and  _ what a guy _ . He's for sure the most handsome man Isak's ever seen in his life. Seriously, the guy looks like one of these supermodels from Eskild's fashion magazines with his tight white T-shirt, his denim jacket and his perfect face. He's ridiculously tall (knowing Isak is far from small himself, it means something), with a slender figure and an aura - a sort of assurance and nonchalance - that takes his breath away. He has blond hair impeccably styled, in a hypnotizing and annoying air movement, and his eyes... As cliché as it sounds, it's like looking at the ocean. Isak is starting to think someone put a drug in his drink because how can this guy be real?

"You run into the kitchen so fast it's like you were trying to escape someone," the sexy stranger clarifies, smirking at him, and Isak is mesmerized. "So, do you need help to run away?"

"Euh… No, it's okay. I just left them."

"Them?"

"Yeah. The girls."

On his words, the stranger bursts out laughing, the most beautiful sound Isak's ever heard.

Fuck, Isak needs to get his brain to work properly again because it's getting embarrassing. It's not the first time he's meeting a hot guy!

_ (It's the first time he's meeting a guy this hot, though, and that said guy is speaking to him.) _

"So you're running away from girls? Are they scary? Were they trying to corrupt you, angel?" Hot stranger jokes, smiling, and Isak's brain just short-circuited.

Did he just call him angel?!

"No. They are just annoying." Fucking hell. Why does he keep speaking like a 8-year-old. "Fuck. I mean." And he stops talking because at this point he's pretty sure there is nothing he can say to fix this mess. He made a fool of himself and hot stranger is going to leave him.

"Not a big fan of girls then?" He asks and this time he has this knowing smile on the corner of his lips, Isak understands his question is a bit more than a joke.

So he takes a deep breath and answers, "no. Definitely not."

At his admission, hot stranger raises an eyebrow at him and smiles wide. It looks like he's particularly satisfied with his answer. "I'm Even," he introduces himself.

"Hm, hi, I'm Isak," he stutters like the moron he is.

"I know," Even replies with a charming smile.

"You know? What? Are you from Nissen?" This is the only rational explanation Isak can come up with, even though he's pretty sure he would have noticed such a hottie if they were at the same school.

Even shakes his head. "No. But I saw you before." Okay, not creepy at all. But against his best judgments, Isak doesn't care. He's probably just messing with him anyway. Or maybe he's really on drugs. Or dreaming.

He pinches himself, winces, and doesn't wake up. Okay so this is reality. And Even is real, not the figment of a (wet) dream. Good to know.

Fuck, right this moment he loves his life.

"Did you just pinch yourself?" Even asks with amusement.

"No," Isak denies, frowning at him just to look more convincing. Which he fails, of course.

"Yeah, right."

"I didn't!"

Even laughs but doesn't push. He turns his back on him for a moment to take two beers out of the fridge (and no, Isak doesn't take a look at his butt when he leans over), puts them on the counter, uses his lighter to open them (show-off!) before handing one to Isak.

"Thanks," Isak whispers and takes a sip of his beer.

"So Isak," Even's staring at him straight in the eyes but Isak doesn't shy away, instead he holds his gaze and licks his lips slowly. Even's eyes follow the movement and then he adds, "wanna hide from the terrifying girls together?"

Isak smiles and nods. Sounds like a perfect plan.


	68. Chapter 68

That's not how Isak thought he would spend his night.

He would have never guessed he would be miserably drunk before 11PM. He would have never imagined he would end up in the girls' bathroom, kneeling on the cold tile and clutching to the toilets as if his life depended on it, vomiting vodka with Even, of all people, as his personal support. Clearly somewhere along the way, he's fucked up again.

He doesn't know what he was thinking when he agreed to talk to Even. He was so drunk, their conversation was doomed from the beginning. And to be honest, he forgot how to be angry the second Even asked with a small and hesitant voice if he could talk to him. Faced with him, he's just too weak to resent him. And how could he now, with Even trying to take care of him when he should be partying with his friends far away from his drunk useless ass. He's pathetic, he's a mess and he really doesn't deserve him. No wonder Even bailed on him a year ago.

"I'm sorry," Isak mumbles and means it more than ever, in more than one way. "You should be having fun with Magnus instead of having to deal with me and my mess."

"I didn't come for Magnus. I came to see you so… I guess it works too," Even answers naturally. Isak can tell he's smiling, it's just something he recognizes from the tone of his voice. 

He doesn't know what to answer to that though, so he states, "I think I'm good."

"You sure?"

Isak nods and then gets up. But the second he stands up, he knows it's been a mistake.

"Nevermind", he says, before falling to his knees and throwing up again. Even sits back with him on the floor and gently rubs his back in a comforting gesture. Isak hates that he doesn't hate it one bit. But he's too busy feeling dizzy and disgusting to linger on it more than a demi-second. Why did he have to drink that fucking vodka?

"Wait, I will get you some water," Even says, standing up but the feverish part of Isak panics and catches him by the arm before he can get away from him. Deep down he feels ashamed but it isn't enough to stop him from saying, "please, don't. Stay with me."

Even stands motionless for a moment, probably too surprised to react. Isak gets it, his change of behavior must be disconcerting - it is, even for him. But he won't let go of his arm and eventually, Even sits back down right by his side. 

"It's like I want to throw up, but nothing is coming out anymore. I hate it," Isak complains, mindlessly dropping his head on the toilet bowl.

"I know the feeling," Even tells him. "Just don't…"

He doesn't finish his sentence. Instead, Isak feels a hand tenderly sliding into his hair and stroking the curls, followed by an arm wrapping around his waist. And then, gently, Even pulls him against him until Isak's head is now resting against the boy's shoulder and not on the toilet. 

This kind of breaks him.

Because Isak has been awful for weeks but Even still treats him with kindness. And he feels so touched, so grateful all of sudden; it brings tears to his eyes that he can't hold back very long. It's clear that he's still very much drunk, that he's exhausted and that these past few weeks have been a rollercoaster of contradictory emotions for him. Hell, this past year has been emotionally draining! Objectively, he's been having a hard time. And yet, ironically, this particular moment with Even made only of tenderness and care, so much care, is the last drop for him. 

He really doesn't want to sob in front of him, but judging by the way Even is now rocking him gently into his arms, he's fighting a losing battle.

_ Fuck _ . He truly is a mess.

Isak doesn't know how long they stay like this. It feels so good to be against Even though, that Isak has no desire to move. He almost forgets about his nausea, about how disgusting he must be and how he was ugly crying only a few minutes ago - even if, in both cases, Even doesn't seem to care. 

Even's hand didn't leave his hair, still stroking, still soothing him, and Isak thinks maybe he could fall asleep.

"Isak," Even murmurs at some point and he just hums in response. "You okay?" He mums again and doesn't move. It makes Even laugh. It makes Isak's heart beat faster. "Isak..." Even repeats again but this time it sounds like he's just saying it for the sake of it. It's soft. It's gentle. Isak's always loved the way Even says his name.

Just like that, it reminds him of something. A memory.

"Do you…" He pauses. His mouth is dry but he still doesn't want Even to leave. Who needs water anyway. "Do you remember the night we met… You said you knew my name already. I don't know why I never remembered to ask you how or if you were joking but… Did you really know?"

"I… Wow. I didn't think you would remember this."

Isak scoffs. "Of course I remember. I remember everything."

"Me too," Even whispers close to his ear, his voice soft, so soft… Isak forces himself not to dwell on it.

"So? Did you?"

"Hm, yeah, I did."

"How?"

He feels Even starting to move and like a reflex, Isak grabs his shirt to stop him. Even sighs but Isak knows it isn't exasperation. He knows that sigh: it's relief, maybe even contentment. And as confirmation, he feels Even pressing a kiss to the side of his head. 

_ Fuck.  _ His heart is racing again.

"I saw you with Sana once," Even starts to explain. "It was completely random. Elias had to see her to steal her keys because he forgot his at home, which happens far too often. But this time you two were studying at Kaffebrenneriet. I stayed outside with the guys and… I saw you through the glass window. You were watching Sana giving Elias shit for forgetting his keys once again, you had this cute smirk on your lips and… Yeah. Just like that, you caught my attention. And then the boys started teasing Yousef about Sana being on a date and he said it wasn't a date because she was with  _ Isak _ , his best friend. I never forgot your name nor your face. I couldn't believe it when I saw you again at this party. It felt like fate."

_ Wow _ .

"What were the odds," Isak comments. He's lacking words, his mind is a complete mess and he's feeling out of breath. He can barely believe what he's heard but, at the same time, there's nothing he can do but believe Even. He believes him, in his bones, in his heart and in his soul. He believes him and he trusts him, he realizes.

Is it what Sana was talking about? Is he choosing to trust him now? Is he choosing to accept the risk of being disappointed again because he believes Even's worth it?

Maybe. Maybe he is.

"I have a feeling that the odds keep pushing us towards each other. Don't you think?"

_ Yes. Yes, I think you're right _ , Isak thinks but can't bring himself to say out loud. He snuggles a bit closer against him though, and maybe that's enough for tonight.


	69. Chapter 69




	70. Chapter 70




	71. Chapter 71




	72. Chapter 72




	73. Chapter 73




	74. Chapter 74




	75. Chapter 75




	76. Chapter 76




	77. Chapter 77




	78. Chapter 78

Even's heart is pounding inside his chest when Isak rings the bell downstairs. He asked Mutta and Yousef to stay away from the apartment for a couple of hours and he's been waiting alone for a while. But despite his apprehension, he's feeling ready and he's satisfied to finally be able to share his part of the story. He doesn't know what's going to happen, how Isak's going to take it, and yet, somehow, he's confident.

He believes in Isak. And he believes in them.

"Do you want something to drink? Coffee? Tea? I think I have beer too," Even offers but Isak shakes his head and whispers an almost inaudible, "no, thank you". He looks as nervous as Even feels but the thought is barely comforting. 

They end up on the couch, their bodies slightly turned towards each other. Even assumes he should be the one talking first, after all he's supposed to be explaining himself, but he suddenly realizes that he has no idea where to start. Some things never become easy to say, no matter the years and no matter how many times he had to say it in the past.

"I'm sorry, I don't know where to start, hm…"

Isak takes his hand and squeezes it gently. "It's okay, you can take your time. Just.... Tear off the bandage, you know? Straight up." It makes Even smile for a second and it gives him the small push he needs to start explaining.

"Okay, hm… Again, I promise you, I never intended to leave you. The truth is, I have this thing..."

Isak frowns. "A thing?"

"A thing called bipolar disorder."

"Oh."

He doesn't see any confusion in Isak's eyes so he's tempted to believe that he has a vague idea of what it is. Still, he goes on asking, "do you… Do you know what it is?"

Isak's biting his lower lip nervously. "The basics, I guess. I know that's what Magnus' mother has, so I know a few things. But. I mean, yeah."

This time Even is the one reaching out and taking his hand to settle him down.

"Okay," he says and forces a smile. "So, I'm bipolar. It took me a while to accept it and then even longer to learn to manage it. But today I'm doing pretty well. It's always  _ there _ , of course, but I'm learning every day to live with it."

"I'm… That's great, Even. I'm happy for you," Isak smiles at him and fuck,  _ this boy _ . This boy is everything. "But… Does it mean you…" He doesn't ask the question but Even can guess what's going on inside his brain. So before Isak has time to draw conclusions that may not be the right ones, he resumes his explanations.

"The morning I left, I had no intention of leaving and never coming back. But I hadn't been home for days, I wasn't answering anyone so my parents got worried. I woke up with so many messages and calls from them. And then I remember looking at you, asleep, looking so adorable, and suddenly I had to go home and tell my parents about you. I was obsessed with this new idea. So that's what I did. Except when I got home, they immediately understood that I... I was manic. So they took me to see my psychiatrist and next thing I know, I couldn't get out of bed. My memories are still quite blurry." Even stops for a second, catching his breath and then taking a look at Isak. But Isak won't look back and his face is blank. Fuck. "I just..... I was embarrassed. I remembered what you told me about your mother and…"

The evocation of his mother makes Isak jolt. He's looking at him again and he looks scared. And sad.  _ So  _ sad.

"Did you leave because I left my mother? Is that it?" Isak asks, tears in his eyes and hurt in his voice.

Back then, Isak had told him his family's story. How his father had abandoned them, his mother and him, when they needed him the most. How he had left his son with a woman who, most often than not, could no longer separate reality from his delusions. So Isak left, too. Eskild found him and welcomed him. Gave him a new home. And for a long time, Isak was angry at his father but even more so at his mother, because he didn't understand, because it hurt too much. But thankfully, things got better over time. Isak grew up, changed, and with the help of Magnus and his own mother, he started to learn. He reconnected with his mother, got her help and slowly, they rebuilt their relationship. Things were actually pretty good when Isak and Even met.

So no, it was never about Isak leaving his mother when he was just a scared teenager. And it breaks Even's heart that Isak would think it.

So, "no, Isak, of course not," he tells Isak and leans to take his face between his hands, brushing his thumbs gently along his cheeks to comfort him. "The thing is, I remembered everything you went through and I couldn't let myself do the same thing to you."

"It wasn't the same," Isak protests in a whisper.

"I know. I know it now. But back then I couldn't think right. I was depressed. I was ashamed. I couldn't stand the idea of you seeing me like this. What we shared, no matter if I was manic, it was real. It was the most genuine thing I've ever experienced. And I didn't want to ruin it so I did something selfish: I hid myself and I didn't tell you anything. I'm so sorry. I wanted to protect us and instead I'm the one who ruined us. I wanted to protect  _ you  _ and yet I'm the one who hurt you. I was so stupid."

When Isak closes his eyes, refusing to look at him, Even lets his hands fall off his face. It's fine. No matter how much Isak must be hating him right now, it will never be as much as Even hates himself. He's sure of it.

"You have no idea how many times I almost called you, Isak. You were all I could think about, day and night. But even when I felt better, I convinced myself that I had to stay away from you. That you'd probably already forgotten about me and that it didn't matter. It was over and I had to move on."

"That's not true!" Isak opens his eyes again and he looks angry. "I never forgot about you!"

"I know! But I was a coward and it was easier for me to convince myself that I meant less to you than to face the fact that I had let you down. I lied to myself."

"Fuck, Even…" 

They remain silent, for how long, Even cannot say. At some point, Isak gets up and picks a cigarette from the pack Even left on the table. He opens a window, the one where an ashtray is placed on the outside sill. He looks around and Even gets up to bring him his lighter. Isak says nothing when he accepts it, just lights the cigarette and takes a breath of it. After a few drags, Isak hands him the cigarette and they share it together, silent, the cold air from the outside slowly enveloping them.

"I'm sorry for being so harsh on you," Isak says after a while, breaking the silence. "And I'm sorry for accusing you all of these things. It was mean and unfair; I was such a dick, fuck."

"I don't blame you for doubting me when I'm the first one to doubt myself," Even shrugs.

"Still. I treated you like shit. And I didn't give you any reason to persist, to fight to tell me something so personal about you and yet you… You didn't give up. I'm not sure I deserve it."

"Isak, you deserve it. I should have done it a long time ago."

Isak pouts but doesn't protest. He leaves the end of the cigarette to Even and waits until he's finished to close the window. 

"Even?"

"Yes?"

"Can I hug you?"

Even is baffled but it's not something he would ever say no to Isak, so he nods and opens his arms to welcome him. Isak immediately slips into his arms and he wraps his own all around Even's body. His hands are resting firmly on his shoulder blades and his head settles against his shoulder, his face buried in the crook of his neck. Some of his curls are tickling his chin and Even takes a long breath of his scent. Isak's shampoo smells exactly as he remembers it. Actually, everything is exactly as he remembers it - the warmth of Isak's body against his own, the pressure of his arms around him, the beating of his heart resonating between them -, if not better.

So Even lets escape a sigh of contentment, closes his eyes and embraces this miracle he's been given.

As the mood became considerably lighter, Even made them some tea and they settled more comfortably on the couch. They exchanged some banalities, discussed how college was going for the two of them and laughed at stories about their friends. Isak started resting his head against the couch, his knees bent against him and his body completely turned towards Even, looking perfectly relaxed. He even let Even push back a curl of hair that was falling on his forehead. Even pretended not to notice how Isak held back his breath the whole time.

"I have a story about me," Isak says at some point. It's dark outside and Even doesn't know what time it is. His roommates could be coming back any time now but he doesn't want to move, doesn't want this moment to stop.

"Is it a funny one?"

"No. Not really," Isak shakes his head. "Can I say it anyway?"

"Of course," Even agrees and, like a reflex, he shifts to get closer to him.

_ You can say anything you want. Always. _

"I didn't get a smooth coming-out," he admits. "I kept trying to hide, trying to suppress what I felt. I would get drunk at parties and make out with girls even though it didn't make me feel anything. I was a dick. I used these girls and I was so angry all the time, I treated my friends like shit." He looks guilty as he speaks and Even wants to reach out, to touch him, to comfort him… But he doesn't know if he's allowed to so he decides against it for now.

"Until  _ that _ night. I was so wasted, I don't remember much of it but apparently I started to make a scene. The boys were trying to calm me down but I was screaming and along the way I basically outed myself to the whole party. I… I remember crying and asking them to not hate me. I was a real mess. But the boys were great, they took me home to Eskild and reassured me that it didn't change anything until I fell asleep."

Isak takes a short break to catch his breath. His fingers are nervously playing with the corner of the cushion that separates them.  _ Fuck it _ , Even decides, and he brushes his hand against Isak's.

"Everybody at Nissen heard about it and it was shit but my friends never left my side so I got better. I stopped pretending, I stopped drinking so much and I decided to reconnect with my mom. Yeah, I got better," Isak says and shrugs as if it's no big deal.

"I'm proud of you," Even has to tell him, because it's true and Isak needs to hear it. 

This time, this is Isak reaching out for him and grabbing his hand. Isak's thumb is rubbing the back of his hand in a gesture that Even interprets as a silent thank you.

"And then… Months later I met you and for the first time, being who I am didn't feel like a hardship. Being with you was easy. Being with you made sense," Isak confesses and fuck, Even wishes he could just squeeze him into his arms and kiss him right now. Hold him tight and tell him that he felt and still feels the same about him. "But of course, it didn't last…" Isak keeps going, a murmur, his face getting sad again.

_It didn't because of me_ _and I'm so sorry baby_ , Even doesn't dare to say. It isn't his time to speak anymore.

"I guess, what I'm trying to say with all of this is that the reason why I was so mean to you is that I kind of convinced myself being gay meant being doomed to be lonely. And I was mad at you for taking my only hope away. But it wasn't fair, you had nothing to do with my own shitty insecurities."

"Isak, I'm so sorry," he can't help but apologize again, like a broken record. This is what he feels though; he's sorry for hurting him, he's sorry for being the one who broke his hopes of a happy ending.

Isak deserves everything, including the happiest of happy endings.

"Don't be. Please, don't apologize and don't pity me. It's on me," Isak protests.

"I would never pity you. You went through a lot and I think you're the strongest person I know," Even argues. 

Mindlessly, he brings Isak's hand to his mouth and kisses each one of his knuckles. As he does it, he keeps his gaze on Isak, who stares back at him, mouth ajar, his eyes wet but bright.

"Even…" Isak whispers and he's leaning slowly towards him as if he-

Whatever Isak had in mind, it's cut short when Even's phone starts ringing from the coffee table. Isak steps back and even lets go of his hand. Even holds back a sigh and takes a look at his phone where he sees Yousef's name displayed. The boys were supposed to call him when they would come back to the flat. He also notices the time; they've been together for more than two hours.

"I'm sorry. I think the boys are about to come back home," Even says, hoping Isak can notice he's not exactly happy about it.

"It's okay," Isak nods and offers him a smile, but it's a small, shy one. "I should get going anyway. But Even?"

"Yes?"

"It was so good to finally speak with you. Thank you for being so patient with me."

Even smiles back at him. " _ Always _ ."


	79. Chapter 79




	80. Chapter 80




	81. Chapter 81




	82. Chapter 82




	83. Chapter 83




	84. Chapter 84




	85. Chapter 85




	86. Chapter 86




	87. Chapter 87




	88. Chapter 88




	89. Chapter 89




	90. Chapter 90




	91. Chapter 91




	92. Chapter 92




	93. Chapter 93

In the middle of Magnus' living-room, a game of beer pong takes place: Magnus, Mahdi and Eva on one side, Elias, Mutta and Chris on the other. Magnus' team is losing miserably and the few points that the others lost are being paid in apple juice and not beer, which Magnus doesn't even seem to understand. Isak got bored after the two first rounds and he's now sitting on the couch, right next to Even, his left side glued to Even's right side although if they really wanted, they have enough space not to touch each other. Fortunately, no one noticed, or at least, no one said anything to them - yet. Jonas and Noora are too busy debating to notice anything, Yousef is telling a captivated Vilde about his latest trip to Turkey, under Sana's caring (or to be more exact,  _ in love _ , but don't tell her) gaze.

This is a nice evening like Isak likes them and he didn't even need to drink to have fun. Even made sure of it: he isn't drinking much either and he's far too chatty and funny for Isak too ever get bored. Honestly, he's so gone for him, he should be more embarrassed.

"Wanna go cuddle somewhere?" Even asks in a whisper close to his ear. A shiver runs along his back and he's pretty sure he's blushing. Fuck you Bech Næsheim for making him feel like this! He knows Even is joking (he is, isn't it? he must be) but it doesn't mean the prospect isn't appealing.

"Shut up," he mutters because he has zero comeback skill. He tries again, "I'm starting to think you're the needy one here. You seem to care way too much about it."

"I wouldn't want you to get touch-starved."

"Oh my God, you're so annoying!" He groans, maybe a little too loud because next thing he knows, Vilde is talking to him.

"So, Isak. It looks like you're not running away from Even anymore," she says. And okay, that's fair; he can only blame himself and his stupid drunk messages from the last party for this. "Are you two friends now?"

He takes a look at Even, who arches an eyebrow at him and gives him a knowing smile.  _ Fuck you _ .

"Well, yes, we are friends now," he answers and right then, Even's smile disappear.

What did he say?

"Fantastic!" Vilde exclaims but he's not listening to her anymore. 

Even's behavior suddenly changes. He moves slightly, just enough so their two bodies don't touch anymore. Then he takes his phone out of his pocket, starts typing, probably sending messages. He doesn't seem to notice Isak's insistent look. On the contrary, at some point, a tiny smile appears on his lips before he puts his phone away.

_ What the fuck _ .

Who's making Even smile? And why is Even not looking at him anymore? Did he say something wrong?!


	94. Chapter 94




	95. Chapter 95

Even can't figure out if Isak just friendzoned him or not. But whatever the answer is, he assumes he doesn't have much to lose anyway.

So he's doing it. He's going to take Isak aside and tells him the truth. It's now or never.

"Wanna go outside for a smoke? Just the two of us?" He offers him later that night, after Magnus has finally decided to give up and push the beer pong table aside so they can have space to dance - Vilde's wish, obviously. 

Isak seems hesitant, but he nods eventually and follows him into the hallway where they grab their coats, put on their shoes and sneak out outside without anyone seeing them. To be honest, he doesn't even have anything to smoke but it doesn't matter. He doesn't want to wait any longer.

"Isak, I need to tell you something."

He wishes he could read Isak's mind right now because he looks so worried, almost scared, that he really wonders what's going on inside his head.

"What is it?" Isak asks with a small voice. 

"Vilde asked if we were friends earlier and you said yes, which… I know that's the logical thing to say in front of our friends but I need to clarify something." Isak's frowning and Even has to stop himself from reaching out and smoothing the crease with his own thumb. "Isak, I don't want to be your friend." Isak's eyes go wide at the admission. "I mean, I don't want to  _ only  _ be your friend. I can wait forever for you if that's what you need. And of course it's okay if you don't feel the same than me, you just have to tell me and I won't bother you with this again. But if there is a single chance that you want me the way I want you, I need you to know that I don't want us to be just friends. I believe we are meant for something more, way more."

Even feels like he can breath again.  _ There _ , he said it.

*

Isak is speechless.

Of all the things he thought Even would say to him (the scariest one being that he likes  _ someone else _ ), he hadn't even considered that. A declaration.

_ Fucking hell _ .

"You don't have to give me an answer tonight, don't worry," Even adds but he looks kind of disappointed, even though Isak hasn't said anything yet. 

"Okay?" Isak mumbles and- fuck, not okay, no, why did he just say this? Can't his brain start working again? He doesn't want to take things slow anymore. He doesn't want to "play hard to get". All of this is bullshits. He wants Even. He just wants Even.

Even, who takes a step towards him, and then another one. All of sudden, they are face to face, so close to each other that their feet are touching. Isak is holding back his breath, waiting, longing,  _ craving _ . Then Even is moving again, he's rising his hands until he's taking Isak's face into his palms. His thumbs run over his skin, over his cheekbones and around his jawline, gently, causing his cheeks to turn red.

Even starts to lean towards him and Isak closes his eyes.

Everything inside him is screaming "yes, yes, kiss me, please!"but- 

-But Even's lips land on his cheek. Not his lips.

"I should leave you alone, now. Tell me when you know," Even murmurs in his ear before pulling back.

When Isak opens his eyes again, Even is gone.


	96. Chapter 96




	97. Chapter 97




	98. Chapter 98




	99. Chapter 99




	100. Chapter 100

Isak can tell Even's nervous when he gets inside his bedroom, which is an usual look on him, even if he got a glimpse of his vulnerability two weeks ago when Even told him about his mental disorder. Still, tonight, he seems even more anxious, perhaps because this time he has no idea what's going to happen. Isak's the one with a truth to speak.

Isak doesn't want him to suffer any longer though, so he walks to his desk and opens the drawer he has used as a secret shelter for Even's green sketchbook for a whole year.

"Remember this?" He asks as he takes it out and shows it to Even as he walks back to him.

"You kept it?" Even enquires and he sounds genuinely surprised.

"Of course," Isak retorts. He opens it and flips a few pages until he gets to the one he's been looking for. "You know, I always kept hoping it wasn't over, even months after you left me without any explanation. I just had to. Because you didn't left me with nothing; you left me with _this_ ," he explains. "I still had hopes because this felt like you were leaving a piece of your heart with me." He smiles as he says it. He knows it sounds silly, probably naive, but that's what he's felt all this time and he wants Even to know everything about him. Even the embarrassing things. Even if it means he has to bare his soul and leave his heart open to a new heartbreak.

Even's worth every possible risks.

"Isak," Even whispers, voice sounding shaky. "It wasn't a piece of my heart. It was everything. I gave you my everything."

Isak lets out a surprised laugh, "that's sappy as fuck."

"You're one to talk," Even shrugs. His smile is fond and Isak can barely believe it's for _him_ , all of people Even could have. He wants _him_ and cares about _him_. Isak's hoped for long but finally having him, _waiting_ for _him_ , still leave him breathless and a little dizzy. 

It's only good things though.

Isak keeps the book open at the right page but hands in to Even, who accepts it but still glances confusedly at Isak. "I thought maybe you wanted it back," he clarifies.

"No," Even answers immediately. "This is for you. It belongs to you now." 

Isak shakes his head. That's not what he meant. "You left me a message, do you remember? I woke up next to your sketchbook and you had left it open on this page with a message. Remember?"

It makes Even smile at him, for some reason.

"You wrote: _Dear Isak. In this sketchbook I poured my heart and my soul in it. This used to be my most-_ "

Even interrupts him then, taking over, " _p_ _recious belonging but I don't need it anymore because I found you. I know how much you love it though so I want to give it to you._ "

The thing is, Even isn't reading. He isn't looking at the sketchbook, at the message between his hands; he's looking at Isak only. He knows it, perfectly, by heart.

" _I know it will be safe and cared and loved with you_ . _You're my miracle, Isak Valtersen. Never forget it._ "

Isak kisses him.

He can hear their sketchbook falling on the ground but at this moment, he doesn't care because he has an arm wrapped around Even's neck, their bodies are pressed together, and he's finally tasting Even's lips again for the first time in a year. It's hungry and messy from the start, it's kissing, biting and licking, but it makes sense, after all- 

They've been starving for each other for a long time now.

"I've missed you," he whispers and he isn't saying it to the man, no. He's saying it to the lover, to the soulmate. He's saying _I've missed you but we found our way back to each other and now everything's going to be okay_. And when he thinks about it, maybe kissing Even has always felt like that. Like coming home. Like feeling complete again. 

It has felt this way even the very first time they kissed.

Even smiles against his lips and the kiss slows down. He has a hand tangled in Isak's curls, the other holding his hip tight. Their noses brush against each other as they're catching their breath. It's gentle. It's intimate. It's everything Isak's ever wanted.

He notices Even's dilated pupils and his red cheekbones and he thinks, _how beautiful you are_ _and how lucky I am, because you are mine and I am yours_.

"Halla baby," Even sighs, then runs the tip of his tongue along his Cupid's bow. Isak's heart flutters. "I've missed you too."

Isak kisses him again. And again. And again.

And that's it, right there.

That's what it feels like to be complete.


	101. Chapter 101




	102. Chapter 102




	103. Chapter 103




	104. Chapter 104

_**A year later...** _


	105. Chapter 105

_**A year later...** _


	106. Chapter 106

_**A year later...** _


	107. Chapter 107

_**A year later...** _

__


	108. Chapter 108

_**The end...** _

_****_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Voilà ! 
> 
> A huge thank you for reading (or rereading) this story! I didn't except so many people to join, especially since it was mostly meant to be a reposting. But it made me very happy to see you enjoyed it and took part and craved for more updates everyday <3 Really, thank you.
> 
> In the same logic, I'm starting to post my second social media AU, here: [to build a home](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26577064/chapters/64794448).
> 
> No break, let's keep going ;) I hope to find you there as well. See you soon <3


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